Twigman Awards

Every year, I find myself marveling at the overrated, overwrought tripe that has all the Hollywood sycophants going ga-ga over during awards season. And I drag myself to see all the films nominated for that most coveted of prizes: the Academy Award for Best Picture. But when I try to discuss Brokeback Mountain, There Will Be Blood, or The Queen with the casual moviegoer, I get nothing but looks of bewilderment. And rightly so. Because nobody's seen ANY of these motion pictures. And this year, it's worse than ever. Sure, the nominees are (mostly) excellent. But...that's just it. They are excellent films in the most stereotypical awards show ways.

No wonder the Oscars gets abysmal ratings year after year. The tedious self-congratulatory exercise has no relation whatsoever to the crowds who pack the cineplex for (damn good) flicks like The Dark Knight, Iron Man, and Kung Fu Panda. Because I end up sitting through both the arthouse/indie flicks AND the box office bonanzas, Lauren and I are going to use this insight to give you a gift, dear movie fan. Something you've deserved all along, and something you will never get from the Academy. We humbly present The Twigman Awards, the awards for you folks who will never get satisfaction on Oscar night.



Best Picture: The Dark Knight

OK, folks, this one's a no-brainer. The fact that the Academy didn't deem this at least one of the five best motion pictures of the year is a travesty and further (unnecessary) proof that the Hollywood system lacks...oh, what's the word? Balls? Anyway, Christopher Nolan's dark, twisted take on the Batman mythology is nothing but stunning. Brilliantly scripted, superbly acted, and visually captivating, The Dark Knight was a comic book junkie's dream. And with Heath Ledger's haunting performance as the "agent of chaos" himself, The Joker, critics were throwing his name into the ring for Oscar consideration from day one. Try to name a more engrossing film from 2008. Are those crickets I hear? None of the Best Picture nominees from this year is stellar enough to shut out this absolutely incredible movie. Not even Slumdog Millionaire, as lovely as it is. Shame on you, Academy.

Best Director: Christopher Nolan, The Dark Knight


We all knew after Memento that Nolan was a genius. The Dark Knight is a brilliant masterpiece of cinema that proves he's a truly epic director. Nolan creates a comic book movie that transcends action blockbuster. It's a social commentary, a character study... I could go on, but Katie will tell me I'm rambling, so I'll end it with this. Nolan's work on The Dark Knight is brilliant.

Best Actor: Heath Ledger, The Dark Knight

When Heath Ledger died, it was a sad day. He was one of Hollywood's most promising young actors. True, he made some really, really bad movies (see The Order and The Brothers Grimm), but he's also been a vital part of some classic movies (Brokeback Mountain, The Patriot). I'll be honest. When I heard he's been cast as the Joker, I was deeply offended and concerned about the future of this movie. I didn't doubt that Cillian Murphy and Liam Neeson would be great villains. But Heath Ledger? Ledger had always been mainly viewed as the pretty boy actor. Sure, he was a great actor, but he'd never played a villain. And honestly, I didn't see him as the Joker. But then I saw The Dark Knight at an afternoon matinee the Saturday after it came out. And then, a few hours later, I went back again that night to watch it all over again. The movie was near-flawless. And Ledger was brilliant. I cried inside because I knew that, aside from the few scenes he'd shot on Terry Gilliam's movie Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus, this was the last work we would ever see from Ledger. You cannot help but wonder what else we would have gotten from him if he'd lived. Heath Ledger gave hands down the best performance in a movie this year.

Best Actress: ?

We couldn't think of a single performance that deserved this. Tragically, none of the limited release movies like The Reader qualify for nominations for these awards, so Kate Winslet, while we salute you, do something mainstream.

Best Supporting Actor: Robert Downey Jr., Tropic Thunder

Just to let you folks know, Lauren and I duked it out with Rock, Paper, Scissors to decide who'd get the honor of describing the magnificence of RDJ. Although this performance is (somehow) Oscar-nominated, there's not a chance in hell that this mad portrayal of an egocentric method actor will come away with that elusive gold statuette. Anyway, in his second great performance of 2008, Downey Jr. sheds the shades, suits, and sex appeal of Tony Stark and dons the military fatigues and flawless Rick Baker makeup effects to play Kirk Lazarus. Or is it Lincoln Osiris? Or Father O'Malley? Downey Jr., who couldn't be anything but himself in Iron Man, manages to disappear into this latter performance. Simultaneously unflinchingly offensive and uproariously funny, Downey Jr.'s dim Lazarus remains the most endearing and enduring character of the film. Much of the magic comes from his improv skills more so than the script. Don't believe me? Check out the cast commentary on the DVD. Comedy gold.

Best Supporting Actress: Angelina Jolie, Wanted


Angelina, you are a badass in this movie. Hands down, you gave the best female performance in a summer blockbuster. The fact that you didn't talk much in this movie only made me like you more. Angelina, you rocked it. However, Katie thinks you need to eat a sandwich (see promo poster for reason why).


Best Screenplay: The Dark Knight

A comic book movie with issues of morality, social conformity, anarchy, ethics, freedom, terrorism, and justice? A year ago, I would have laughed and told you it would be impossible. There was no way such a movie could exist and convincingly pull it all off. But The Dark Knight does. This script is a work of art. It should be studied and lectured on in the greatest universities in the world. This script is sheer perfection.

Best Use of a Previously Written Song in a Movie: Wanted, Nine Inch Nails "Every Day Is Exactly The Same"

If you know me, then you know I love Nine Inch Nails. I saw them twice last year in concert. Twice. So, needless to say, I jumped out of my seat when I heard the opening note of this song. And yeah, I recognized it from it's intro. I'll be the first to admit I'm nothing but obsessive when it comes to my favorite music. What I didn't expect was to see this song used in such a phenomenal way. The blend of scenes with music is genius. The pacing and visual look of the movie is perfectly matched with the music. Several Nine Inch Nails song would have worked with this movie, but this choice was inspired. The editing with this sequence is so perfect. This is how movies should use music.

*In hindsight, I, Katie, realize that I wildly, emphatically, COMPLETELY disagree with this selection. Good God, what was I thinking? Best use of song is DEFINITELY "Put on Your Sunday Clothes" in Wall-E. This tune is originally used in a ridiculously long song-and-dance number in Hello, Dolly! that uses too many singers, dancers, and horrible costumes. Here, it's used to stunning effect to give a hapless little robot a touch of whimsy in his monotonous life. Unlike the use of "Everyday is Exactly the Same," this song is absolutely essential to the function of the story. Wall-E would not understand the concept of love, be able to woo Eve, or know how to dance and charm an audience without it. WHAT WAS I THINKING??? No question, hands-down. Perfect. As far as editing the song goes, guess what? The filmmakers knew to cut the scene before Barbra cuts in with her brassy vocals. Brilliant. Brilliant. Brilliant.

Best Costuming: Iron Man

Tony Stark's suits. Game over.

Best Makeup: Hellboy II

One of the things that irritates the hell out of me every Oscar Night is the award for Best Makeup. It almost never fails to go to something "historical," like Frida. Really? An Oscar for a unibrow? Spare me. We're making amends for this right now. Guillermo del Toro's Hellboy II, a vast improvement over its overcomplicated predecessor, takes place in a fantastical world so imaginative and stunning that even Peter Jackson would get jealous. Populating this world are demons, fish people, and elven beings that are generally achieved through the laborious application of...just plain awesome makeup. And as incredible as the makeup work itself is (check out the ethereal porcelain skin of the prince and princess, the brilliant crimson of the Hellboy full-body makeup, and the gills and slippery skin on Abe Sapien), what's even more amazing is how the characters come alive as a result of their physical appearance. Makeup here is critical to the storytelling; without the perfect look, there'd be zero interest in the adventures of Hellboy and his compatriots.

Best Visual Effects: Speed Racer

This whole movie gets credit for being one giant acid trip.

Best Technical Explosion: The Dark Knight, Hospital explosion

So cool. And who would have guessed this wasn't a hospital, but a random office building scheduled to be demolished. Way to go Nolan for taking advantage of a great opportunity.

Best Use of Pyrotechnics: Tropic Thunder, Opening Scene

This was hands down the most impressive use of Pyrotechnics in cinema this year, and possibly one of the best ever. The following was taken from Wikipedia.

"Filming the large napalm explosion in the opening scene of the film required a 450-foot (137-meter) long row of explosive pots containing 1,100 gallons (4,165 liters) of gasoline and diesel fuel. All of the palm trees used in the explosion were moved to the specific location after the crew determined the impact of the lighting and necessary camera angles. Due to the size and cost of the 1.25-second explosion, it was only performed once and was captured by twelve cameras. For the safety of the crew members and cast, the detonators were added one hour prior to the explosion and nobody was allowed to be within 400 feet (120 m) of the explosion. The explosion was made up of 12 individual explosions and resulted in a mushroom cloud that reached 350 feet (110 m) in the air."

Cody, I agree with your pyromaniac fervor. This made me want to go blow something up.

Best Drop of the F-bomb: Tropic Thunder, "I'm a lead farmer, motherf*cker!"

...I use the f-word a lot. Know why? Because it's extremely useful. Especially in scripts (just ask Scorsese). From one of our favorite (and most f-word-laden) scripts of the summer, this gem of a line instantly became a part of our movie quote cannon. Tropic Thunder, deliciously preposterous, offered a bizarre context wherein this line could be shockingly appropriate. Downey, practically unrecognizable behind his absurd makeup and costume, amps up the ridiculous factor to deliver the best line of 2008, hands down. Seriously, who WASN'T quoting this one last August?

~Katie & Lauren