In the post Oscar haze, movie lovers around the world bask in the warm afterglow of cinderella stories, underdogs, and fabulous clothes. A joyous time full of Joan Rivers' comedic gold. A time when the reporters at Entertainment Tonight rejoice that they have an event they can stretch out through a full week of news segments.
However, there is an evil, dark side to this joyous period of cinematic bliss. Hollywood knows that it's intelligent audience members will be so caught up raving about Christoph Waltz's performance and rewatching the Best Picture Winner to notice that there's something foul brewing in Hollywood. This year was especially deadly since everyone not included in the last sentence was to busy bitching about how Avatar should have won. What is this danger you ask? Hollywood casting news.
That's right, you heard me. True, post Oscar casting can be a wonderful thing. Take Mickey Rourke's casting in Iron Man 2. You only have to watch the trailer to know that it's gold. But this year Hollywood has crossed a line.
We heard just before the Oscars about a certain Smurfs movie and the casting of Neil Patrick Harris. Now, I know what you're thinking: "Hey, he could work as a smurf." Except the problem is that he isn't playing a smurf. No, they've cast him as Johan. Yeeeaaaahhh. Now you see the problem. Of course, Hollywood tried to slip the worst news past us in our post Oscar bliss. Last week they announced more casting for the film, and readers, it ain't pretty.
Ready? Trust me, you aren't.
Brainy Smurf? Quentin Tarantino
Smurfette? Katy Perry
Grouchy Smurf? George Lopez
Gutsy Smurf? Alan Cumming
Now, I guess that someone out their will use the excuse "It's animated." Um, no, not excusable. Fortunately, everybody I just named is "rumored" with the exception of Tarantino, but that's cold comfort.
As for Tarantino...Dude, I like you. I like your acting, I love your scripts, I love your movies, and I've spent the last months of my life obsessively analyzing every darn detail of Inglorious Basterds, but this...this just feels wrong.
Not as wrong, however, as Katy Perry. I'll leave that one to Katie.
Also, Gutsy Smurf? It's been a while since I was a loyal subject of kingdom, but I don't remember any Gutsy Smurf. I'm declaring BS on that one until someone proves me wrong.
Originally, I intended to make a "Best Trailer" Twigman Award, but in the madness of trying to put the Twigmans together, it got left off. Oh well, maybe next year. In the mean time, I'd like to take this time to talk about something which doesn't always get it's deserved recognition: The Movie Trailer.
What makes a good movie trailer? Or to say it another way, what sort of trailer makes a movie look good? Consider this youtube gem and what it says about movie trailers.
Amusing yes, but also very true.
However, some trailers stand out for their ability to make good movies look as good as they are, and even more impressive, truly crap movies look excellent. Take for example, this early teaser for Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen. I mean, that teaser makes the movie look kind of badass, unlike the official trailer which clued us into the fact that it was basically National Treasure with giant robots and therefore kind of lame. This is the power of trailers and teasers. They set the tone for the film. They get the audience excited. Thus, I now present to you to best trailers of 2009. (Please note, as epic as the Watchmen trailers were, they didn't come out in 2009 and therefore I can't talk about how brilliantly they marketed a terrible movie).
X-Men Origins: Wolverine trailer
Before the movie was leaked online, we had this trailer. I remember watching this and thinking, "This looks sweeeeet!" The trailer is somewhat misleading about what the movie is actually about, but it doesn't matter, because it markets this movie very, very well.
Star Trek trailer
The marketing team had to market this film so that it would appeal to fans familiar with the series and at the same time make it appeal to potential new fans unfamiliar with the source material. This trailer nailed it. Not only did it portray the film in a good light to Trekkies, but it made new people who never cared sit back and think, "Hey, this looks kind of cool. Maybe these geeks are onto something."
Up trailer #3
This trailer only hinted at the joy and fun of this film, but nevertheless it serves as a perfect set up to the film. It doesn't give too much away, but it gives enough to make us yearn for more for the adventures of the grouchy old man and eager young boy. Also, the talking dog "Squirrel!" moment became the most quoted part of this trailer. Everyone was going around quoting Doug. With just a few seconds, this trailer had us falling in love with a talking dog.
Inglorious Basterds teaser
This trailer gives viewers the idea that the movie is about Brad Pitt and his soldiers. This is untrue, as these characters are only a small part of the film, but it doesn't really matter. This teaser is pretty epic. The music, the clips, the use of Brad Pitt's monologue - it all builds perfectly. Even the use of blood splatter works to make this trailer. It leaves an impression, but most of all it leaves you thinking, "I cannot wait to see this film."
Terminator: Salvation trailer
This one is hands down the winner for best trailer of the year. This trailer was epic, breathtaking, stunning, cinematically orgasmic. The use of music, the way it all builds, is shear perfection. If it has one drawback, it's that after seeing the film we learn that the best moments in the film were in this trailer (generally a good trailer should hold some of the best moments back), but honestly, after watching this, who cares? This movie was a disappointment after the epic trailer, but with a trailer like this, it doesn't really matter.
For the record, what I think will win and what I wish would win are two very different things. One deals with the horrible reality of the Academy morons who vote for this stuff, and the other exists in a world where good, just things happen. You know, that world without Uwe Boll.
Lauren's Oscar Wish List
or "Things that would happen in a world where Hollywood burned Uwe Boll at the stake after he made his first film"
Best Picture - District 9
Best Director - Quentin Tarantino, Inglorious Basterds
Best Actor - Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker
Best Actress - Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
Best Supporting Actor - Christoph Waltz, Inglorious Basterds
Best Supporting Actress - Mo'nique, Precious
Best Animated Feature - Up
Best Original Screenplay - Inglorious Basterds
Best Adapted Screenplay - District 9
Best Foreign Film - The White Ribbon
Lauren's Oscar Predictions
Best Picture - The Hurt Locker (Dark Horse Pick Inglorious Basterds)
Best Director - Katherine Bigelow
Best Actor - Jeff Bridges
Best Actress - Sandra Bullock
Best Supporting Actor - Christoph Waltz
Best Supporting Actress - Mo'nique
Best Animated Feature - Up
Best Original Screenplay - Inglorious Basterds
Best Adapted Screenplay - Up in the Air
Best Foreign Language - The White Ribbon
Best Original Score - Hans Zimmer
Best Art Direction - The Young Victoria
Best Cinematography - The Hurt Locker
Best Costume Design - The Young Victoria
Best Documentary - The Cove
Best Documentary Short - China's Unnatural Disaster
We are proud to announce this year's Twigman Award Winners! We had a rough time deciding on some of these awards. We argued, we pondered, we watched some crap. (Gerard Butler, we need to have a talk.) Actually, a lot of the better films of the year were "mainstream," so there wasn't so much crap. We refused to sacrifice ourselves for you, our readers, and watch some of the more crappy movies of the year (Miss March); if we suffer through something, it's going to be our own fault, thank you. But the best thing about seeing a little bit of everything? We're totally prepped for both Oscar picking AND Twigman loving. Behold the final cut below.
Best Picture: District 9
Contrary to popular belief (especially if you check the box office receipts--I weep for American cinema), the finest cinematic contribution to science fiction was not that God-awful Avatar. Neil Blomkammp's District 9, featuring an intelligent script, a brilliant lead performance by newcomer Sharlto Copley, and stellar visual effects, dazzles (and, even better, fascinates) from start to finish. Unlike Avatar, rife with cliches and stereotypes, District 9 never panders to its audience. The political issues are complex and multifaceted, discussing questions of racism, immigration, and sexual orientation. Fully-developed characters exhibit enough unsettling flaws, positive attributes, and emotional rawness to ring true to reality. Beautifully constructed action setpieces keep the audience's attention. The surprise setting--Johannesburg, not New York or London--makes the film look far less like Hollywood's typical summery sci fi confections (I'm looking at you, Transformers 2) than most other blockbusters featuring extraterrestrials. Even though District 9 is an alien flick, in telling the story of one man's metamorphosis from simple government bureaucrat to suffering outsider (in faux documentary form, no less), it remains totally gripping and utterly believable. Bravo to all the first-time Oscar nominees that made this film an instant classic: it's proof that you DON'T have to spend a quarter of a billion dollars to make something truly memorable. Sit back and be wowed.
-Katie
Best Director: Neill Blomkamp, District 9
When a visual effects guy steps behind the camera as a director, the results are often (technically) disastrous. Blomkamp's prior credits include 3-D animator and visual effects departments for Dark Angel, Smallville, and Stargate: SG-1. Sure, District 9's look is effectively gritty, and the film features enduring images, but its success is dependent upon its thematic weight and its stellar performances, which Blomkamp achieved with the style and verve of a seasoned veteran. He brings his own script to astonishing, full-bodied life, turning deep existential questions into science fiction glory, a la Blade Runner or Children of Men. Competent and assured, Blomkamp structures his film as a documentary, offering a verisimilitude to the all-too-relevant issues at hand. This compelling film would be any director's masterpiece, but as Blomkamp's rookie project, District 9, with its unknown cast and shoestring budget, proves even more impressive.
-Katie
Best Actor: Sharlto Copley, District 9
District 9 has a brilliant script and some stunning visual effects, but without a great lead actor, the film could crumble under the sheer weight of its themes. Enter unknown South African Sharlto Copley, whose visceral, epic performance as Wikus van de Merwe offers the film a raw humanity. Playing a dense government bureaucrat, Wikus is charmingly oblivious, but never without darkness; try not to wince when he leads his team to a prawn's (human slang for the alien visitors) shack to abort alien spawn. However, as the film progresses and his physical transformation becomes more horrific, the truly great transformation is within himself, learning empathy through his shocking fate. Wikus elicits the audience's laughter, frustration, and even tears as he runs the gamut of human emotion unlike any performance of 2009: hopeful joy, selfish rage, and true sadness. Behind that goofy mustache, there's a complicated, real man. Sharlto Copley made quite the entrance.
-Katie
Best Actress: Meryl Streep, Julie and Julia
I know that Sandra Bullock is getting all the praise for her role in The Blind Side, but Meryl Streep's portrayal of Julia Child was outstanding. The voice, the body movements, the delivery...it's all magical. She blows Sandra Bullock out of the freaking water.
~Lauren
Best Supporting Actor: Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
In what will most likely be the most memorable performace of the year, Christoph Waltz conquers the silver screen as Hans Landa. This movie could not exist without this character and, most of all, Waltz performance. Need proof? Go watch the first scene of Inglorious Basterds and tell me otherwise. He's cunning, brilliant, devious, creepy, and even oddly charming at times. I know the "It's a Bingo!" line gets all the fame for his performance, but for me, this opening scene is his best. However, it's the little moments that solidify his victory. Take, for example, his remarks to Hugo Stiglitz's dead corpse. Or better yet, his Italian discussion with Raines and Co. Honestly, I have a hard time trying to decide which scene is creepier - the opening scene, or the scene when he questions Brigit. The bottom line is that every time this man steps onto the screen he has the audience tense up with real terror. He is the figure from our nightmares come to life, and he rules.
~Lauren
Best Use of a Previously Written Song in a Movie: "In the Air Tonight," The Hangover
I personally think poor ol' Phil Collins gets a bad rap anyway; there's a place in this world for upbeat pop. Fortunately, few would deny that this particular number is an 80's classic. Think Miami Vice: this song takes you to a very specific time and place, one where ice cream-colored suits and no socks was vastly cool for a cop. And that's awesome. But for our generation, this song will no doubt take us back to a disastrous Vegas hotel room, where a past-his-prime Mike Tyson air-drummed, howled, and slugged his way back into our hearts. (Sorry, folks, but tone-deaf singing and subsequently knocking a guy out will NEVER get old.) Because rocking out to this admittedly epic track is something we've all done at some time or other, the use of Tyson's top tune is comically absurd yet...something that doesn't surprise us. As Bradley Cooper's Phil would attest, Tyson and Phil Collins (God bless him) have still got it!
-Katie
Best Screenplay: Quentin Tarantino
Successful, well written and well thought out screenplays are rare in Hollywood. They don't always get optioned into movies and they're often destroyed on the cutting room floor. Tarantino's script is bold and daring. Let's face it, English is not the main language of the film. It's difficult enough to get an audience to watch a film with subtitles. Getting an audience to watch a film with subtitles for French, German, and Italian is so ridiculous that I'm sure most production companies laughed hysterically. But somehow, Tarantino pulls it off brilliantly. The tension he builds, the flawless switches from the multiple story lines, the fascinating characters - it all comes together brilliantly.
~Lauren
Best Costuming: Sherlock Holmes
Like Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds, Guy Ritchie's Sherlock Holmes is much more concerned with giving off a vibe than with being 100% historically accurate. His vision is a fun, fast-paced, sexy version of an old classic (with a warm respect for the source material), with RDJ as a scruffy, eccentric Holmes and Jude Law as an elegant man of action. While their wardrobe is not precisely the height of Victorian fashion, they both manage to look stunning and true to their characters, complementing each other nicely.
-Katie
Best Makeup: District 9
We've already discussed Wikus's inner transformation, but in a sci fi blockbuster like this one, the outer transformation is almost as important. The imaginative folks at WETA worked their magic to change Wikus from bumbling human to repulsive alien in harrowing, horrific stages. Watch Wikus go Gregor Samsa with excruciating slowness, each new characteristic more shocking and gruesome than the last. The skin of his back peels away to reveal a crustacean-like exoskeleton. His arm becomes a hideous, unrecognizable claw. His eyes change into great golden spheres, marking his complete separation from the human race: he can now clearly see through the eyes of the suffering. It's all accomplished with great skill by the makeup artists.
-Katie
Best Visual Effects: Terminator: Salvation
This was truly an amazing year for visual effects. Between Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Avatar (though it pains me to say it), Star Trek, District 9, and even G. I. Joe. We've thought long and hard about this award. We know Avatar is going to win the Oscar, but for us, well, we take the time to kick back and look back at the little things.
I suggest you look at this video starting at 3:14. Remember these bad boys? EPIC! Little details like this are why we're giving this Twigman to Terminator: Salvation.
~Lauren
Best Technical Explosion: Terminator: Salvation
Last year with gave this to the hospital demolition in The Dark Knight. This year's had to be equally, if not more epic. There was only one choice - this entire fraking scene.
~Lauren
Best Pyrotechnics: Terminator: Salvation
This award could also be called the Cody award, in honor of the Tropic Thunder character and winner of last year's explosion. With that in mind, I tried to think of a Cody worthy explosion. You know, something worthy of the line "Mother Nature's gonna piss her pantsuit." Our winner can be seen in the last ten seconds of this youtube video.
~Lauren
Best Drop of the F-Bomb: All of District 9
Unlike our previous winner, we couldn't narrow our winner down to one unforgettable phrase. This year, it's all about delivery, and boy, does Sharlto Copley nail it. For those of you keeping count, District 9 offends with this four-letter word a whopping 137 times (thanks, Wikipedia). And while the sheer volume is impressive, the real magic of the f-word here is its pronunciation, transforming the schwa sound of the American pronunciation into the ever amusing "fook." And fortunately, most of its uses are completely warranted; Wikus definitely has reason to be swearing.
-Katie
Best Pop Culture Reference: "Are you ready to let the dogs out," The Hangover
For pop culture junkies like the two of us here, a respectful nod, a knowing wink, or an off-the-wall name drop is a glittering moment in any film. In 2009, the hit comedy The Hangover with hip references to the aforementioned Phil Collins and Rain Man,but it's Alan's strange hope that the guys are going "to let the dogs out" that stands out. Let us not forget "In the Air Tonight" and Rain Man are both emblematic works of the 80's; they're both far enough in the past to have attained classic status. The Baha Men's sporting events anthem "Who Let the Dogs Out?," however, cannot make such a claim on society. The song is a curse on the ears, but somehow, when the four dudes strut in slow-mo to its annoying chorus of "who, who, who?"...it's cooler than it's ever been, in all its ridiculous glory. -Katie
Let us introduce this as the companion piece to The Twigman Awards. Whereas the Twigman Award recipients elicit cheering, laughing, and grinning from ear-to-ear, these folks and projects induce only frustrated sighing, forehead-smacking, and eye-rolling. For Hollywood first-timers, we can eventually overlook these mistakes and move on, particularly when these folks repent and make good films later in life. However, the people, movies, and departments you see below, carefully chosen by two ladies who suffered acutely at the multiplex in 2009, offered up their wooden, trite, dull worst. Some of these people got (deservedly) slammed in the press, while others were hailed as "visionaries" (seriously, Watchmen ad campaign?). We're correcting this right now. We not-so-humbly confer "Dead to Me" status upon the following no-talent, could-have-been, should-have-been, and what-the-hell-happened-here? stars of 2009.
1. James Effing Cameron, director and "writer" of Avatar
Do you recall those subpar prequels to the Star Wars trilogy? Does anyone remember how critics SLAMMED George Lucas for his feeble writing, lackluster directing, racial stereotypes, and heavy reliance on (stunning) visual effects? Then why the hell are we giving James Effing Cameron a pass for Avatar? Well, critics, maybe YOU are, but we're not standing for it. The irritating thing about James Effing Cameron is that Lauren and I know he's capable of better. This man made the first two Terminator movies, sci fi and modern action movie classics. Tough, violent, manly sci fi was finally marketable. The scripts are nowhere near flawless, but some of the best one-liners in the popular lexicon find their origins in those two flicks. But the time has come to say "hasta la vista, baby" to James Effing Cameron. I absolutely abhor Titanic; it's a supremely cliche romance centered on a repulsively ill-matched couple. We hoped that the incredibly arrogant Cameron would make a full recovery in his triumphant return to sci fi, but then, we got effing Avatar, an insipid, preachy, bloated bore of a film that had no message that we hadn't heard in a rousing number from Pocahontas. I would list every trite stereotype for you, dear reader, but I don't want this post to be six pages long. Yet everyone goes gaga over some 3-D and kooky creatures, completely ignoring that the film has no heart and is enacted by mannequins. Then he goes to the Golden Globes and accepts his award for Best Director (gag) in freakin' Na'vi, the made-up nonsense language from your loathsome excuse for a motion picture? Shame on you, James Effing Cameron. I wish your career would sink like the Titanic, but people apparently are blind enough to keep giving you their hard earned money. But you know what? You can't count me among them ever again; I am afraid you are DEAD TO ME, James Effing Cameron.
2. Hugh Grant, actor, Did You Hear About the Morgans?
Hugh Grant's career made a wondrous about-face in 2002, when he transformed from the mumbling, confused, adorable guy from dull chick flicks like Nine Months and Notting Hill (and even in the near-flawless Sense and Sensibility) into the snarky, self-obsessed man-child of About a Boy. He'd finally found his niche, showing off the sparkle and the edge that his performances had heretofore lacked. Having settled comfortably into this character, he repeated his success in a charming little romantic comedy called Two Weeks Notice (with his best leading lady, Sandra Bullock), then in a slightly less charming romantic comedy called Music and Lyrics...it's gotten very old, very fast. Then he signs on for this third-rate cinematic turd, a film featuring hackneyed gags, a paper-thin plot, and a shockingly irritating leading lady. I'm sorry, my beloved Hugh. I just can't keep forgiving you for things like this. Stop doing this to me, but since I know you won't...you're dead to me, dear. I'm so sorry.
3. Katherine Heigl, actress, The Ugly Truth
OK, Katherine Heigl, pop quiz: what movie have you done that HASN'T set back the women's movement twenty years? Is it (a) Knocked Up, (b) 27 Dresses, or (c) The Ugly Truth? The answer is (d) Stop making women look bad, Katherine Heigl. You've turned us all into up-tight, boring hags who can only be liberating by slumming with dopey stoners or self-centered douchebags. What exactly is your message, huh? At least Knocked Up had the decency to be a marginally funny Apatow flick, but what's your excuse for your latest? Did you just want to show Gerard Butler your rack? Well, congratulations, you pretty waste of space. You know, you're not a bad actress, and I think you have a great sense of comedic timing (for a woman; you have your limitations), but you pick keep selecting cringe-inducing material that cannot function on principle. When are you going to realize that the romantic comedy for guys is a FANTASY? It's the cinematic equivalent of a unicorn. So unless you start poaching some of Rachel McAdams's parts, you are dead to me.
4. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, actor, Race to Witch Mountain
Damn your impressive physique, boyish grin, and effortless charm, Dwayne Johnson. You're a delightful, funny guy. You left the ridiculous land of pro wrestling and broke into Hollywood, only to turn yourself into the Arnold Schwarzenegger of pitiful 90's family fare. You're built to be an action star, man. If you're not going to do that, start doing some grown-up comedies, for heaven's sake. I saw you on SNL back in the day, and you were top-notch. What the hell happened? I don't even know you anymore. This is really just the straw that broke the camel's back. The Game Plan? Really? Your game plan ought to be "fire my agent and revive my career." Like Hugh Grant's dismissal, this one's hard on me. But I no longer smell what the Rock is cooking because...he's dead to me.
5. Watchmen
I'm not even going to name names for this clustercuss of a movie, because everything about it, from the casting to the story to the acting to the soundtrack to the MAKEUP, is a total catastrophe. All I heard for months was how brilliant the graphic novel was and how epic the movie was going to be and blah, blah, blah. Well, let me tell you, I'm never reading it now. If this drab film is any evidence, then the graphic novel's a clunky, dreary mess, with no visible merits. Damn you, makers of the Watchmen trailer! Your selection of killer visual moments and a sweeping, eerie Smashing Pumpkins track showed such promise. But I should have known from your use of "Zac Snyder: Visionary Director of 300" that something what seriously amiss with this impossible adaptation. What theoretically should have been a gripping, complex graphic novel adaptation became this shell of a film, featuring the worst soundtrack of 2009 (My Chemical Romance and Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" for a sweaty, awkward sex scene? What the hell, major studio?) and makeup so unconvincing that visual effects studios from the fifties would be laughing at them. To think that there's a longer, more drawn-out cut of this violent, unpleasant downer somewhere truly frightens me. When I left this film, I was told by one of my pals, "I didn't know I could hear someone walk angrily until now." You do now. Screw you, everyone involved. You are dead to me.
There are a few others to whom I'm issuing warnings. These folks better watch their step:
1. Amanda Seyfried: this bug-eyed freak better make something worthwhile, stat. Lauren swears she's talented. I've yet to see the evidence. Her work includes Dear John, Jennifer's Body, Mean Girls, and Mamma Mia! See what I mean?!
2. Shia LeBeouf: Between Indy 4 and Transformers 2, you are on thin ice, pal.
3. Sam Worthington: Avatar and Terminator: Salvation both blow, in large part because you have no discernible talent. You're not that attractive, and you can't cover up your Aussie accent. You better learn to act quick, and Clash of the Titans does not look promising.
4. Gerard Butler: Gamer and The Ugly Truth in the same year? Now that's just cruel, man. Don't make me spend that kind of money again, Mr. Butler. Unfortunately, I've seen the ads for The Bounty Hunter. Things don't look good for 2010.
5. Jennifer Aniston: With the exception of The Good Girl, your film roles generally display none of your acting range. Honestly, did you think Love Happens was going to work? It was even bad for a predictable rom-com. The only way you're getting out of the tabloids is by being a legitimate actress. Unfortunately, I've seen the ads for The Bounty Hunter. Things don't look good for 2010.
