You are DEAD TO ME.

Let us introduce this as the companion piece to The Twigman Awards. Whereas the Twigman Award recipients elicit cheering, laughing, and grinning from ear-to-ear, these folks and projects induce only frustrated sighing, forehead-smacking, and eye-rolling. For Hollywood first-timers, we can eventually overlook these mistakes and move on, particularly when these folks repent and make good films later in life. However, the people, movies, and departments you see below, carefully chosen by two ladies who suffered acutely at the multiplex in 2009, offered up their wooden, trite, dull worst. Some of these people got (deservedly) slammed in the press, while others were hailed as "visionaries" (seriously, Watchmen ad campaign?). We're correcting this right now. We not-so-humbly confer "Dead to Me" status upon the following no-talent, could-have-been, should-have-been, and what-the-hell-happened-here? stars of 2009.


1. James Effing Cameron, director and "writer" of Avatar

Do you recall those subpar prequels to the Star Wars trilogy? Does anyone remember how critics SLAMMED George Lucas for his feeble writing, lackluster directing, racial stereotypes, and heavy reliance on (stunning) visual effects? Then why the hell are we giving James Effing Cameron a pass for Avatar? Well, critics, maybe YOU are, but we're not standing for it. The irritating thing about James Effing Cameron is that Lauren and I know he's capable of better. This man made the first two Terminator movies, sci fi and modern action movie classics. Tough, violent, manly sci fi was finally marketable. The scripts are nowhere near flawless, but some of the best one-liners in the popular lexicon find their origins in those two flicks. But the time has come to say "hasta la vista, baby" to James Effing Cameron. I absolutely abhor Titanic; it's a supremely cliche romance centered on a repulsively ill-matched couple. We hoped that the incredibly arrogant Cameron would make a full recovery in his triumphant return to sci fi, but then, we got effing Avatar, an insipid, preachy, bloated bore of a film that had no message that we hadn't heard in a rousing number from Pocahontas. I would list every trite stereotype for you, dear reader, but I don't want this post to be six pages long. Yet everyone goes gaga over some 3-D and kooky creatures, completely ignoring that the film has no heart and is enacted by mannequins. Then he goes to the Golden Globes and accepts his award for Best Director (gag) in freakin' Na'vi, the made-up nonsense language from your loathsome excuse for a motion picture? Shame on you, James Effing Cameron. I wish your career would sink like the Titanic, but people apparently are blind enough to keep giving you their hard earned money. But you know what? You can't count me among them ever again; I am afraid you are DEAD TO ME, James Effing Cameron.



2. Hugh Grant, actor, Did You Hear About the Morgans?

Hugh Grant's career made a wondrous about-face in 2002, when he transformed from the mumbling, confused, adorable guy from dull chick flicks like Nine Months and Notting Hill (and even in the near-flawless Sense and Sensibility) into the snarky, self-obsessed man-child of About a Boy. He'd finally found his niche, showing off the sparkle and the edge that his performances had heretofore lacked. Having settled comfortably into this character, he repeated his success in a charming little romantic comedy called Two Weeks Notice (with his best leading lady, Sandra Bullock), then in a slightly less charming romantic comedy called Music and Lyrics...it's gotten very old, very fast. Then he signs on for this third-rate cinematic turd, a film featuring hackneyed gags, a paper-thin plot, and a shockingly irritating leading lady. I'm sorry, my beloved Hugh. I just can't keep forgiving you for things like this. Stop doing this to me, but since I know you won't...you're dead to me, dear. I'm so sorry.

3. Katherine Heigl, actress, The Ugly Truth

OK, Katherine Heigl, pop quiz: what movie have you done that HASN'T set back the women's movement twenty years? Is it (a) Knocked Up, (b) 27 Dresses, or (c) The Ugly Truth? The answer is (d) Stop making women look bad, Katherine Heigl. You've turned us all into up-tight, boring hags who can only be liberating by slumming with dopey stoners or self-centered douchebags. What exactly is your message, huh? At least Knocked Up had the decency to be a marginally funny Apatow flick, but what's your excuse for your latest? Did you just want to show Gerard Butler your rack? Well, congratulations, you pretty waste of space. You know, you're not a bad actress, and I think you have a great sense of comedic timing (for a woman; you have your limitations), but you pick keep selecting cringe-inducing material that cannot function on principle. When are you going to realize that the romantic comedy for guys is a FANTASY? It's the cinematic equivalent of a unicorn. So unless you start poaching some of Rachel McAdams's parts, you are dead to me.

4. Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson, actor, Race to Witch Mountain

Damn your impressive physique, boyish grin, and effortless charm, Dwayne Johnson. You're a delightful, funny guy. You left the ridiculous land of pro wrestling and broke into Hollywood, only to turn yourself into the Arnold Schwarzenegger of pitiful 90's family fare. You're built to be an action star, man. If you're not going to do that, start doing some grown-up comedies, for heaven's sake. I saw you on SNL back in the day, and you were top-notch. What the hell happened? I don't even know you anymore. This is really just the straw that broke the camel's back. The Game Plan? Really? Your game plan ought to be "fire my agent and revive my career." Like Hugh Grant's dismissal, this one's hard on me. But I no longer smell what the Rock is cooking because...he's dead to me.

5. Watchmen

I'm not even going to name names for this clustercuss of a movie, because everything about it, from the casting to the story to the acting to the soundtrack to the MAKEUP, is a total catastrophe. All I heard for months was how brilliant the graphic novel was and how epic the movie was going to be and blah, blah, blah. Well, let me tell you, I'm never reading it now. If this drab film is any evidence, then the graphic novel's a clunky, dreary mess, with no visible merits. Damn you, makers of the Watchmen trailer! Your selection of killer visual moments and a sweeping, eerie Smashing Pumpkins track showed such promise. But I should have known from your use of "Zac Snyder: Visionary Director of 300" that something what seriously amiss with this impossible adaptation. What theoretically should have been a gripping, complex graphic novel adaptation became this shell of a film, featuring the worst soundtrack of 2009 (My Chemical Romance and Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" for a sweaty, awkward sex scene? What the hell, major studio?) and makeup so unconvincing that visual effects studios from the fifties would be laughing at them. To think that there's a longer, more drawn-out cut of this violent, unpleasant downer somewhere truly frightens me. When I left this film, I was told by one of my pals, "I didn't know I could hear someone walk angrily until now." You do now. Screw you, everyone involved. You are dead to me.

There are a few others to whom I'm issuing warnings. These folks better watch their step:

1. Amanda Seyfried: this bug-eyed freak better make something worthwhile, stat. Lauren swears she's talented. I've yet to see the evidence. Her work includes Dear John, Jennifer's Body, Mean Girls, and Mamma Mia! See what I mean?!

2. Shia LeBeouf: Between Indy 4 and Transformers 2, you are on thin ice, pal.

3. Sam Worthington: Avatar and Terminator: Salvation both blow, in large part because you have no discernible talent. You're not that attractive, and you can't cover up your Aussie accent. You better learn to act quick, and Clash of the Titans does not look promising.

4. Gerard Butler: Gamer and The Ugly Truth in the same year? Now that's just cruel, man. Don't make me spend that kind of money again, Mr. Butler. Unfortunately, I've seen the ads for The Bounty Hunter. Things don't look good for 2010.

5. Jennifer Aniston: With the exception of The Good Girl, your film roles generally display none of your acting range. Honestly, did you think Love Happens was going to work? It was even bad for a predictable rom-com. The only way you're getting out of the tabloids is by being a legitimate actress. Unfortunately, I've seen the ads for The Bounty Hunter. Things don't look good for 2010.

-Katie