Wait, what? Sorry, I was staring at Hugh Jackman.

It would be dishonest of me to say that I didn't have a blast at this absolutely absurd, completely unnecessary prequel. Fun fight scenes, stuff gettin' blowed up reeeeeal good, and, of course, the ALWAYS magical Hugh Jackman. While it's an enormous step backward from Marvel's greatest cinematic achievement yet, Iron Man, at least this latest Marvel flick knows not to take itself too seriously. So much so, in fact, that the silly, overblown X-Men 3 looks like an arthouse classic by comparison. As a matter of fact, the only well-composed part of the film is actually the opening credits, a beautiful montage of war scenes depicting the Logan-Victor tag team, ageless and brutal, crushing all comers. For a summer kick-start, that's just fine. Put simply, it's all brawn over brains, bub.


So, the storyline, like any other X-Men story, is just too damn complicated to work as a cinematic narrative. If you remember loyally watching that X-Men cartoon as a kid and being irretrievably lost week after week, it's a lot like that. You know, this mutant is related to that mutant, and this mutant is banging this mutant, and this mutant wants to punch that mutant in the face. Par for the X-Men course, really. But let's give it a go, anyway, shall we? Ostensibly, this one's all about the tag-team of Logan (Jackman) and Victor (Liev Schreiber) and how their ballsy brand of brotherly love disintegrates. Like all poorly conceived comic book flicks, the movie takes one too many twists, kills off at least three father figures, dead-yet-not characters, and introduces about five too many mutants. All that matters is that Logan becomes Wolverine, thanks to a nonsensical story about the moon (wait until you see this one...ouch) and some adamantium bonded to his already freakish skeleton. And he wants REVENGE. Against everybody. You know. The usual. He wears leather, rides a motorcycle, knocks people out, gets shot at, sets things on fire, runs really fast, uses his claws to destroy things, and tries to get through the silly dialogue. Needlessly knotty and often just plain silly, the plot...is really irrelevant. In fact, if you paid full price to see plot in this one, you probably ought to be slapped.

As with the rest of the X-Men movies, the REALLY important thing is which mutants come to play, how their powers are executed, and how well the cast nails the roles. It's almost shocking how uneven the casting in Wolverine is. As always, the frequently shirtless (siiiiiiiiigh) Hugh Jackman's absolutely perfect as Logan: he's an electric personification of extremes of passion, rage, and charm. Playing the ruthless, bros-before-hos sadist Victor (or Sabertooth, if you prefer), Liev Schreiber knocks this one out of the park. He seems to be having a ball, too, relishing every moment of playing a terrifying, beautifully costumed baddie. While these two make the movie, other great casting choices fall by the wayside. Ryan Reynolds makes a fabulously sarcastic mercenary as Wade Wilson, and yet his screen time is limited to some early snark and a brief re-emergence as Dead Pool, who's inexplicably become a strange mix between Nosferatu, the Crow, and General Grievous. A complete waste of a casting gem. Let's not even mention the fact that Bolt (Dominic Monaghan), Emma Frost (Tahnya Tozzi), and Wraith (epic casting fail of Will.i.am) really didn't need to be here. Yes, nerdy fans, I know you love seeing your favorites appear and show off their stuff, but from one nerd to another, get a life. Don't believe me? Argue with this: Tom Bombadil got cut from Lord of the Rings, and the world is a better place for it.

BUT. The most important issue here is obviously GAMBIT. Just as it's been since 2000, when fans first had to sit through an X-Men movie without the ragin' Cajun loverboy. We've been teased and tormented for nine years now, people. Remy LeBeau's finally come to join the party, complete with his playing cards, magical staff, and unbridled sex appeal. Finally. And the roguishly attractive Taylor Kitsch, while nowhere near anyone's first choice, isn't half bad. Does his accent need a little work? Of course. Does he need a comb? Obviously. Does the costuming department need to re-evaluate their lives? Definitely. But the man I thought would ruin the entire movie from those God-awful trailers reminded me why I love X-Men in the first place: it's just lots of cool people, doing lots of cool things, playing with cool toys, with very cool accents. So, nerds, don't dismay. At least not on the Gambit front. He's got some growing up to do, but he's there.

Anyway, Wolverine is just a big, dumb boy movie with some lackluster effects and wildly attractive men. If you're supersensitive about your comic book adaptations, I would suggest another summer movie. (Next week STAR TREK is out, so even more geek joy is around the corner). If you have $10, a couple of free hours, and want to stare at Hugh Jackman (and come on, who doesn't?), then Wolverine is a pretty safe bet. And right before the end of school, that's really all you need to get you through the week. Blockbuster season is here, folks. Rejoice.

Oh, and there's a new Transformers 2: Revenge of the Fallen trailer on this bad boy. Think National Treasure + Transformers.

-Katie